Ayuvedic ‘Massage’… or is it being prepared for human consumption?

Another word from Adele: Ayurvedic massage. Hilarious. Possibly the weirdest experience of my massaging career.

Anyone who knows Bruce or me well knows that Adele Muzik is TOTALLY addicted to massage and pride myself on sampling this delicacy in almost every country I have encountered in the world. But none such experience has graced this palette as the Ayurvedic massage. I felt like I was being basted, stuffed and carefully seasoned to be consumed by a tribe of maneaters. By way of illustration, let me try to educate you on this culinary experience:

Ingredients:

1. 1 human to be ‘massaged/prepared/consumed’
2. Another human doing the ‘massage/cooking preparation’
3. 1 loin cloth 
4. 1 litre of thick dark oil (Caltex would be impressed)
5. 1 coconut
6. Various herbs and spices (essential masala curry, sandalwood and various other seeds/ cardamon etc. will do)
7. 1 baking tray (wooden table will do fine) 
8. 1 Steam cupboard to ‘cook’ the human
9. Tablar drumming tribe outside beating drums waiting for the meal
10. 1 hose to clean the human before consumption

Process:

1. Strip human and place loin cloth over pink bits
2. Put human on chair facing away from you
3. Chop coconut and add to 200ml of dark oil
4. Drizzle concoction all over human head
5. Rub furiously into human head until sure every part of head has infused coconut and dark oil (avoid eyes if possible) to ensure flavours are deeply ingrained upon cooking
6. Lay human head up on baking tray/ wooden table
7. Season the rest of the dark oil with masala curry and other spices and prepare the basting sauce 
8. Tell the tablar drummers outside to proceed with drumming and chanting letting the human know of hungry people outside waiting for their meal
9. Drizzle the basting sauce all over human
10. Work the oil furiously all over the human in an attempt to work up a lather (although this is not physically possible, this is the focus. NOTE: the human may attempt to slide off the baking tray claiming that the oil is the cause, don’t buy that, if need be tie the human to the baking tray to ensure it doesn’t slip off again)
11. Flip the human over and repeat the process from behind NOTE: the whole human must be basted in this seasoned curry powder oil, it’s important to leave no part uncovered in oil
12. Take slippery lathered up human and place in steam cupboard
13. Bake for 10 minutes until human is succulent and pink and can barely breath
14. Hose down human using sandalwood paste for final garnishing
15. Present to tablar playing maneaters

So you see, Ayurvedic massage is not for the faint-hearted. But if you want to experience being basted and cooked at least once in your life, try this culinary experience. I was quite hungry afterwards after smelling all that curry and being cooked myself. But heck, I will try anything. Once